There are many daily struggles an adult goes through while trying to overcome childhood sexual abuse. Here are some of mine.
- My Self Image: Why have i let my weight get so out of control? Why cant i continue the multiple diets i have started over the past years? Look at those “Skinny Girls” they can pull off anything.I look into the mirror and am discussed by the way my body looks. Truth is, i let myself get so bad when i was younger because i was hoping that me getting “FAT” and “LESS ATTRACTIVE” would stop my abuser from sexually abusing me. To this day, its like my mind is still set on that tactic. I feel so much better when i loose some weight, but my mind still controls my body at times.
- The Random Flashbacks: Ill be having a perfectly happy day, and something has to remind me of what i have went through. From smells, sounds, places, people, to even just looking at myself. I hate that i let my mind do this, sometimes i don’t even recognize that i’m letting myself put my mind back to that terrible place in my life. Sometimes i zone out, go away from people and breakdown. Sometimes i just forget about it and act like i did not just experience a flashback and other times i just acknowledge what happened to me and try to move past it.
- The Constant Anxiety: I just keep wondering when the anxiety will stop. I have finally realized it will never go away. From waking up in the morning, (WHICH I HATE MORNINGS) that just starts my anxiety because i just want to stay and bed and not face the day ahead of me, to more or less picking out what to wear, i usually wear sweats i like being comfortable, but then i always think to myself why don’t i dress up to feel better about myself? I still never do. What are people going to think about my fat face? Hows my family doing? Whats going to happen at work today? Annah you need to get your shit together. That girl looks sad, should i go help her? Am i even good enough for anybody, or myself anymore? These are all random thoughts that pop through my head during the day
- Family and Friends. I have messed up so much in my past with my family and friends. They all should’ve given up on my a long time ago. How are they doing? Are they just still talking to me because they “FEEL BAD” for me? Did some of my friends find other friends because their sick of my struggles. Does my family still judge me on past decisions and still some fucked up decisions i make still? I always want to call and ask how they are doing, talk to them hours straight about everything, vent, listen to whats going on in their life. I know its the wrong idea, but i still feel like a burden on them. I’ve put them through so much, that sometimes i feel like i’m just too much for all of them. But what they don’t know is that i would take a bullet for them and would try to help them out with anything they needed. I MISS MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS. But my mind just keeps telling me to do me, and don’t put my problems on them.
- Always Putting Others Above Myself: Why do i constantly do this? Because honestly in my past even though i was the one who needed help, i never got it when i needed it with the abuse. To this day i don’t want anybody feeling like they are alone. I would rather help them and be left with nothing than worry about myself first. I don’t want anybody to go through what i went through, nor feel any bit of the way i felt. And the main reason is because i would rather deal with other people’s problems than deal with mine. Its a constant struggle of mine.
- Wondering If I will Ever Have a Successful Future: Every time i do or am close to doing something that will benefit my future i run away. I’m scared to commit. I’ve let my triggers get to me and i don’t feel like i deserve a successful future. Even though i have had a shitty childhood, i feel like i hurt more people while i was trying to overcome my past then i should’ve. I feel like i don’t deserve to have a successful future. I feel like i’m a failure some days and i don’t even want to get out of bed. Or i have flashbacks during the middle of the night that stop my day in its tracks. My triggers have controlled me. Even though i have it set in my mind that this time will be different, i always second guess my abilities to be great again.
- I Wish this Would’ve Never Happened to Me Thinking: Ever day i wonder how my life would be if i didn’t go through what i went through. Would i still be close friends with my elementary group of friends? Would i of grown up with more self worth? Would my family and I be closer than we are now? Would i have started off in college right away like the rest of my class? Would i have had as many problems as i do now? How would nights be going to bed not worrying about if i would have flashbacks or not? What would happen if i wasn’t sexually abused? Some days i am thankful that it happened to me, and not my younger sister or any other of my family members. But i always wonder “WHAT IF”?