Just because hes different…

Just because my future is with somebody who isn’t the same religion and has a different cultural background that many people despise of, doesn’t mean he is any where near what you think of him to be. It doesn’t mean the stereotype you have of “their” kind is true.  

Well to start out today’s post is pretty much talking about a subject that irritates me to the core. What makes it okay for people to judge others to the extent of what they have heard. I mean i’m not a saint and i will never say to anybody that i do not judge others at times. But it makes my rethink humanity when i run across people who judge others because of how they grew up, how they where raised, what religion they are, or what they believe in.

Lets start out by saying my significant other is Muslim and was born and raised in Saudi Arabia. Once people hear that its like there mind goes right to ISIS, bombing, Multiple wives, woman with no rights, woman fully covered, oil company, ext. But why is this. I’ve been told from the start that he just wants a green card, Did you know he can marry multiple people, Are you going to go live there you better not have you seen the stuff about their government, how they live, ext, are you going to have to turn to be Muslim, do you where the ha-jab, if it lasts are your kids going to be Muslim, just be careful.I really don’t think people realize that their views on these type of people are based on racism, social media, what they have been told, and not what they have actually experienced.

When it comes down to it, i have never heard one person that has been in a relationship or friendship with somebody who is Muslim and comes from that cultural background, that has asked or told me any of these things. This makes me believe that they understand in any religion, any race, any cultural background, a single person chooses if they want their life to be a good/bad time or make bad/good decisions. This also makes me respect the people who judge less when it comes to these subjects.

These words that i heard from people really let me down in the beginning. I believe i was more worried about what others thought than what i felt between me and my significant other. Until i finally noticed people are always going to have their own judgement/opinions. I bet Americans don’t go running around judging their american friend boyfriends about their race or religion because that is what they are used to. I just wish more people would understand that it has an effect on others.

To end this subject i would like to let everybody know that i am the happiest, luckiest person being with somebody who treats me right. Whoever tries to tell me i’m making a mistake and try to change my mind on being with somebody, somebody that i love, i will assure you that you are wrong.

 

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What if i loose the weight and still don’t like myself?

    What if I loose the weight and still don’t like myself?

Each and every day i say to myself i hate the way my body looks. I feel like i am ugly, nobody wants me, and everybody looks at me like the fat chick. I think my main problem is that i blame how i feel and look on my problems. When in all reality there is multiple reasons why i feel this way. But the easiest thing to do is just “Blame it on my weight.” I can loose weight, I have done it before and felt better about myself. But the question is, do i want to even feel better? or do i just want to continue feeling like this because i’m used to feeling this way and scared to have my feelings to change. Its easy blaming my problems, my past, my mistakes on something else. Just for me to forget about what i have been through, feel, or things i have done.

I write this today not to make people feel bad for me. But for me to realize everything in a more surreal way. And the best way i can do that is through my words. 

 

 

Body Image in Today’s Society

People often say to change yourself the way you want to be/look if you have low self-esteem? Its easier said than done. Do you think if we had the ability, courage, knowledge, to do that, we wouldn’t? Why is it that woman/men have this certain image that they need to live up to? If we can’t fit that criteria, we are often let to look down on ourselves.  

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Some thoughts that relate to people dealing with bad body image!

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I can’t begin to explain how dealing with body image in today’s society has ruined the way many people view others. 

An example.

  1. Clothes: There is a certain style for different body types? Stores have now sectioned off the “PLUS SIZE” clothes. Like there is a label on who should wear what? if you 100 pounds you can wear this shirt but if your anything over 190 you can’t because it doesn’t come in your size, you have to go to the plus size section. How horrible is this? People talk about loving their body no matter if they are plus size or fit the curvy/skinny criteria. How can we do this when the world labels each differently? I have seen posts about how girls over a certain weight should not wear shorts or yoga leggings. It’s because of these people our worlds image of the perfect body has become a bully to some people. Wear what you like, don’t worry about what others will think. 

Why is it that we have to live up to america’s standard of how a person should look?

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Is this how we are supposed to look? Perfect body. What if we do not look like this or similar? We don’t have abs, we don’t have amazing hair, a flat stomach, thigh gap, be fit? What if we have thighs that touch each other, we have muscle but we want to keep it safe by fat:), we have some rolls, stretch marks. Why is it that people judge when you do not look picture perfect?

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Every body is perfect. If your skinny, curvy, or have a few extra pounds on you. We shouldn’t be judging people if they don’t have the perfect body and if somebody does have the perfect body we should applaud them. Why judge somebody by their appearance? What matters most is their personality. Stop the “PERFECT BODY IMAGE” because everybody should be comfortable in their own skin.

Everybody has the Perfect Body

“I just want to change, change for the better. I keep doubting myself. I keep doubting that i cant do it. Why is it so hard. So hard to move on from the past. The past still controls me. The past still controls me to do horrible things. I want to be normal. Be normal like everybody else. I want to live life happy. Live life happy and without any worries. Do people still judge me. Judge me on past decisions i have made. I’m really sorry. Sorry for my multiple mistakes. I wish i could go back. Go back in time and change everything. But this is me. This is me, and i am only going to get better as time goes. Don’t worry about me I’m fine. Fine enough to continue doing this by myself. Someday my past. My past wont control me anymore. I can’t wait. Wait for the day that I’m finally free.”

Daily Struggles of Overcoming Childhood Sexual Abuse

There are many daily struggles an adult goes through while trying to overcome childhood sexual abuse. Here are some of mine.

  1. My Self Image: Why have i let my weight get so out of control? Why cant i continue the multiple diets i have started over the past years? Look at those “Skinny Girls” they can pull off anything.I look into the mirror and am discussed by the way my body looks. Truth is, i let myself get so bad when i was younger because i was hoping that me getting “FAT” and “LESS ATTRACTIVE” would stop my abuser from sexually abusing me. To this day, its like my mind is still set on that tactic. I feel so much better when i loose some weight, but my mind still controls my body at times. 
  2. The Random Flashbacks: Ill be having a perfectly happy day, and something has to remind me of what i have went through. From smells, sounds, places, people, to even just looking at myself. I hate that i let my mind do this, sometimes i don’t even recognize that i’m letting myself put my mind back to that terrible place in my life. Sometimes i zone out, go away from people and breakdown. Sometimes i just forget about it and act like i did not just experience a flashback and other times i just acknowledge what happened to me and try to move past it.
  3. The Constant Anxiety: I just keep wondering when the anxiety will stop. I have finally realized it will never go away. From waking up in the morning, (WHICH I HATE MORNINGS) that just starts my anxiety because i just want to stay and bed and not face the day ahead of me, to more or less picking out what to wear, i usually wear sweats i like being comfortable, but then i always think to myself why don’t i dress up to feel better about myself? I still never do. What are people going to think about my fat face? Hows my family doing? Whats going to happen at work today? Annah you need to get your shit together. That girl looks sad, should i go help her? Am i even good enough for anybody, or myself anymore? These are all random thoughts  that pop through my head during the day
  4. Family and Friends. I have messed up so much in my past with my family and friends. They all should’ve given up on my a long time ago. How are they doing? Are they just still talking to me because they “FEEL BAD” for me? Did some of my friends find other friends because their sick of my struggles. Does my family still judge me on past decisions and still some fucked up decisions i make still? I always want to call and ask how they are doing, talk to them hours straight about everything, vent, listen to whats going on in their life. I know its the wrong idea, but i still feel like a burden on them. I’ve put them through so much, that sometimes i feel like i’m just too much for all of them. But what they don’t know is that i would take a bullet for them and would try to help them out with anything they needed. I MISS MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS. But my mind just keeps telling me to do me, and don’t put my problems on them. 
  5. Always Putting Others Above Myself: Why do i constantly do this? Because honestly in my past even though i was the one who needed help, i never got it when i needed it with the abuse. To this day i don’t want anybody feeling like they are alone. I would rather help them and be left with nothing than worry about myself first. I don’t want anybody to go through what i went through, nor feel any bit of the way i felt. And the main reason is because i would rather deal with other people’s problems than deal with mine. Its a constant struggle of mine.
  6. Wondering If I will Ever Have a Successful Future: Every time i do or am close to doing something that will benefit my future i run away. I’m scared to commit. I’ve let my triggers get to me and i don’t feel like i deserve a successful future. Even though i have had a shitty childhood,  i feel like i hurt more people while i was trying to overcome my past then i should’ve. I feel like i don’t deserve to have a successful future. I feel like i’m a failure some days and i don’t even want to get out of bed. Or i have flashbacks during the middle of the night that stop my day in its tracks. My triggers have controlled me. Even though i have it set in my mind that this time will be different, i always second guess my abilities to be great again. 
  7. I Wish this Would’ve Never Happened to Me Thinking: Ever day i wonder how my life would be if i didn’t go through what i went through. Would i still be close friends with my elementary group of friends? Would i of grown up with more self worth? Would my family and I be closer than we are now? Would i have started off in college right away like the rest of my class? Would i have had as many problems as i do now? How would nights be going to bed not worrying about if i would have flashbacks or not? What would happen if i wasn’t sexually abused? Some days i am thankful that it happened to me, and not my younger sister or any other of my family members. But i always wonder “WHAT IF”? 

My Childhood wasn’t like Most Childern’s

If you went through my pictures as a child you’d think i lived a normal, happy, fun-filled childhood. I have a well rounded family who unconditionally loved me then and still does. What i didn’t understand at the time was, why couldn’t they see what was going on behind the scenes? I was in disbelief that my family could let this happen to me. They had no idea what was going on, even though at times i  thought differently. What they didn’t know is that my uncle sexually abused me from around the age of 5-11. Multiple times. He wouldn’t stop. I remember the first time, i didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t know what he was doing was bad. One day, when i was about 7 years old, i was sitting in the library with a couple different classes watching a video. The video was about sexual abuse, kidnapping, and ext. I went to the office and faked being sick because i did not know what to do. The video kept telling us to tell an adult figure if something like this was happening to you. The words, “If you tell anybody I will hurt you” kept coming into my head. I never really know why he was saying these words until then. Ever time after that it would happen i would put myself in a state of mind where i would not be paying attention to what was going on. Later on knowing what this is called, dissociation. Before this video, i was still known as the sweet, caring, loving, kind Annah. After this i let my emotions get the best of me, while still holding the secret deep inside me, i felt like i was starting to tear my family apart. My sister would cry because i would always pick fights with my mom if i wouldn’t get something i wanted. I started not caring about my school work, i started lying, i started drinking when i was 13, my dad always had faith in me and ALWAYS would stick up for me which ended up in my mom and him fighting because my mom knew i was lying. I tried killing myself multiple times without anybody knowing, wrote notes to friends and family, but i always stopped myself at last minute. I could sleep for hours on end just to get what happened to me off my mind. Nobody knew what was going on with me. I was preparing myself for the next tragic incident that was going to happen when my uncles family visited for a holiday. I tried everything so i wouldn’t have to go up to my room that night. Everybody was drinking, i kept sneaking downstairs, and kept getting yelled at to go back to bed. I remember laying in my bed crying softly so nobody would hear me. I then fell asleep and woke up the next morning and nothing happened. i did not understand why? i was so used to it. i was happy for once that i didn’t get raped by my uncle in the middle of the night. i was happy about not getting raped. that isn’t something a normal child should be happy about. every time we visited their family or they visited theirs i was still skeptical about what would happen. but it didn’t happen for about 3 years. i was thankful for that. but not thankful about all the memories he left me. he controlled my mind. For those three years, i could’ve been known as the devil child. i didn’t listen to my family, i did whatever i really wanted to do. then Christmas came along. i just turned 14. we went up to their place for Christmas this year. i went to bed around the same time as everybody else. i slept in the living room. my mom and dad were no more than 50 feet from me in the bedroom. i woke up to somebody touching me. i thought it was a dream but kinda got spooked because i hated that basement it scared me. i opened my eyes and i seen him. a tear instantly fell down my face. i couldn’t say anything. he kept touching me, making comments, and kept telling me to go upstairs in the garage. he had to come down three or four times telling me the exact same thing. i just sat there. i did not know what to do. i just hoped it was a nightmare. from then on things indescribable happened.my Christmas was ruined from there on out. i woke up the next morning wanting to leave so badly because that is the day we planned to leave. the whole way home i could barley speak. The next few months where horrible. My mom told me we were going to get a cabin with my uncles family and our family in the summer time. i had a niece at the time, and my little sister. and all i could keep thinking to myself was, if he did it to me, would he touch him? I kept thinking if it did happen to them it would be my fault i could’ve prevented it. it would’ve been all my fault. i was 14 when i texted my brother telling him that our uncle “touched” me in our sleep. i remember asking him to wait till the next day to bring it up to my mom, but he came over right away and i remember sitting across the table from my mom while my brother explained what happened to me. I thought just telling them that my uncle just touched me inappropriate that one time would stop him from doing it ever again to anymore. my mom then brought it up to my aunt, my dad, and it pretty much stayed inside the family. all i wanted my uncle to do was to admit that he just touched me that one night and tell his family what he did. just that once. i was letting him off easy. i felt like if i would’ve opened up about anything else i would’ve rip our entire family apart. i loved my cousins on that side of the family. My mom, dad and I met with my aunt and uncle at a park in a town half way between us. we sat a picnic table and i just kept asking him to admit what he did while i was crying. he wouldn’t just admit the one time i wanted him to what i had so much more on him. i gave up. after my grandma ended up passing away i ended up spilling out the rest of the truth about my childhood abuse. at this point and time in my life, my uncle controlled me. i lied and made up stories that made me feel like the pain he caused me was hurting me physically still. i just wanted to die. i didn’t know something like this could control me so much, and still does after many years of trying to recover. i felt like the court system just gave up on me. My uncle barley got anything for the pain he caused me. I spent my childhood worrying about if my uncle was going to rape me, wondering if my parents loved me because they didn’t know what was going on, wishing the flashbacks would stop, thinking that id be better of not in this world, taking care of my younger sister, younger cousins, my niece because i didn’t want anything bad to happen the them, i grew up wondering who i was, who i am, and who i would turn out to be because of the hurt and pain i went through. I really wish i could go back and just tell somebody the second it happened. i wish i could change my view on thinking and choices i have made. fix the things i can not now fix. As i say again, my childhood was not like most peoples childhoods.